Survivor: NRL or Where's all the meat, bro?

I need to stop writing reality TV. This is Yellowleaf's fault (again!).

Survivor: NRL or Where's all the meat, bro?

QLD Cane toads : Cameron smith/ Billy Slater/ Cooper Cronk/ Johnathan Thurston/ Justin Hodges/ Greg Inglis/ Dave Taylor/ Dallas Johnson/ Jharal Yow Yeh

NSW Cockroaches: Jarryd Hayne/ Paul Gallen/ Nathan Hindmarsh/ Daniel Mortimer/ Kurt Gidley/ Brett and Glenn Stewart/ Brett White/ Wolfman

Host: Brett Finch

Finchy: Welcome to survivor! A game where you have to outwit, outplay and outlast your opponents to win the million dollar prize. This is exactly what our two opposing teams, the Queensland cane toads and the New South Wales cockroaches, will be trying to do in this new season of Survivor: NRL. Some of them will outwit, some will outplay and hopefully atleast one will outlast everyone else and get to the prize at the end of the rainbow. Now without further ado, let's go meet the teams.

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Finchy: [drops out of a helicopter and finds everyone at each other's throats]

NSW: - won't be doing that again next year!

QLD: -even think about stopping now!

Cooper Cronk: [sitting on a log, cleaning his finger nails and occasionally looking up to check on Billy]

Kurt Gidley and the Wolfman: [sitting away from the yelling, in deep and meaningful discussion]

Everyone else: [about to tear each other to pieces]

Finchy: [clears throat] Ahem!

Everyone: [ignores]

Finchy: Hello!

Everyone: [ignores]

Cooper: Everyone shut the hell up!

Everyone: [freezes and turns around]

Finchy: [winks at Cooper] Thanks babe.

Cooper: [shrugs and smiles]

Finchy: Alright! Let's get started. First of all, I am very disappointed! So very disappointed that you missed my spectacular jump out of the helicopter. Damn it people! I spent hours working on that! Anyway, welcome all to Survivor. I hope you're all prepared to forget everything you knew and learn how to survive in the jungles like our ancestors did so long ago. There are no luxuries here people!

I know you just got here and I'm sure the game arena didn't give it away already but we're going to have our first challenge right now. So I want the captains of the two teams down here and everyone else get up on the stands.

Cam and Paul: [walks down]

Finchy: So boys, here's what you have to do. You've got to go under that pole set up over there, it's very low so you'll have to dig yourselves under it, and then move that set of circular puzzle pieces from the base it's at now to the base next to it. But you can only move one piece at a time and a bigger piece cannot go on top of a smaller piece.

Your price will be this bucket of local potatoes and flint. I hope some of you know how to use it!

Greg: Where's the meat?

Finchy: What meat?

Greg/ Dave T/ Hindy/ the Stewarts/ and everyone else in that order: [horrified]

Finchy: [laughs] Sorry, just messing with ya! Umm...you'll have to catch your own meat. There's plenty of chickens and wild boar and fish out here so just...er...have fun hunting?

Wolfman: Come on boys! We're going back to nature. This is how we're meant to be!

Everyone: [horrified]

Finchy: [sighs] Listen, cross that bridge when you come to it okay. Let's get on with the challenge.

The challenge: [happens. There is much yelling, digging, flying sand, more yelling, confusion, glaring, frustrated throwing of puzzle pieces, some more yelling and finally cheering]

Finchy: And we have a winner. Cam Smith has won the prize for his team. Cam, I have to say I didn't know you were so flexible! Paul, please restrain from damaging the gaming equipment in the future. This shit is hard to make you know! So the Toads, here is your basket of potatoes and your flint and a map. To the Roaches, sorry boys but all I have for you is a map to your camp, which you will have to build yourself. Good luck and see you all tomorrow!

QLD: [much cheering and carrying on. Cooper is supervising the transport of the potatoes by Greg and Dave T. Cam and JT is in the lead, trying to read the map]

NSW: [grumbling. Kurt has the map and Morts has the flint. The Stewart boys have their heads together at the back and Whitey is keeping an eye on Jarryd without trying to be obvious]

The game: [Is on!]