The Bachelor: The First (and the last) Date.

Sorry this was so late :(

But enjoy!

The Bachelor: The First (and the last) Date.

Host: Welcome all to the latest episode of The Bachelor. Our contestants are going on their first dates today. We have two individual dates and one double date, as chosen by yours truly! All in our quest to find our gorgeous Billy his soul mate. So let's go and see how the boys are feeling about their coming dates.

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Billy: I'm a little bit nervous actually. I almost wish...But I made my decision to go with my heart so...I'm gonna risk it all and hope I find what I'm looking for.

Ben C: Really looking forward to it. It's been quite difficult to get Billy alone with everyone else here as well. It's gotten easier now with less guys but still, it'll be great to just spend some quality time with him.

Cooper: I'm a bit worried about this actually. For Billy. I thought this was a good idea at first but...he's really putting his heart on the line for this. I just don't want him to get hurt.

Justin: A double date? I got the fucking double date? With Cooper? Why? This whole thing is just ridiculous! How the hell am I supposed to do anything with him hovering around? Ow, who threw that!!?

Johnathan: I'm actually a bit...not nervous but...I don't want to mess it up, you know? I just want him to know how much I… I hope I get to show him what he means to me.

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Host: Ben C has the first individual date with Billy. A romantic dinner at the beach. Will Ben win Billy's heart as the sun sets over the horizon? Will they get sand in places where sand shouldn't go? Will seagulls ruin everything by doing what they do best? Hang on to your seats folks, this is top notch television!

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Billy: [takes in the picnic style set up with mountains of food and fancy champagne] Wow! They've actually done alright, haven't they?

Ben C: [Takes Billy's hand] Yeah.

Billy: [looks up shyly]

Ben C: [kisses Billy's knuckles] I'm so glad we're here.

Seagull: [screeches]

Billy: What?

Ben C: Well that was a loud seagull!

Host: That was too! Although...where is it?

Billy: Yeah. Maybe we should get to the food.

Billy and Ben C: [sits down on the rug and starts their dinner]

The Sea: [loud and foamy]

The Sun : [starts setting]

Billy: It's so beautiful.

Ben C: [moves closer and wraps an arm around Billy]

Billy: [smiles] It's perfect.

Ben C: [pours champagne] Here's to you!

Billy: And to love.

Ben C: [smiles and touches their glasses together] To love.

Crab: [bites]

Ben C: OWWW! [jumps up] What the hell? Is that a crab? Ow!!

Billy: [jumps up] Oh my god!! Are you okay? Where did that even come from? It's massive!

Ben C: It could have taken my toes!! I could have been toe-less!

Billy: Umm...it's just a small gash. We can get it looked at. [waves hand] Can we get a medic?

Medic: [rushes over]

Billy: [whispering to host] Was that going to be our dinner or something?

Host: Umm...nooo. I have no idea where the wild life is coming from. No idea at all!

Ben C: [yells] What the hell? I can't feel my leg!

Billy: [whispers to host] Why is the medic wearing a ski mask?

Host: He's got sensitive skin?

Billy: Right. Also, why is he jabbing Ben's foot with anaesthetic?

Host: Good question.

Ben C: [Falls over] He's killed my leg! [points an accusing finger at the ski mask wearing medic]

Billy: [rushes to his side] Ben! [glares at medic] What're you doing?

Medic: [Shrugs] What I must, dear Bills.

Billy: What the hell does that mean? Who are you?

Host: Oookay! This is now getting quite weird. You [points at medic] get lost. You [points at Billy] help your man to the car. And I shall go find a bar and drown in my despair.

Billy: What?

Medic: You can never get rid of me! [runs off].

Ben C: I need some attention.

Host: [bitterly] It's all about you isn't it?

Billy: [sighs] Is this my life?

Seagull: [screeches]

Sea: [ebbs and flows]

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Host: [looking hung over] Well last night's date ended in disaster. Ben C is only just getting feeling back in to his leg. We've investigated and found the medic was entirely at fault and have since let him go. Today is the double date! We have taken the romance, the sand, the seagulls and the crabs out of the equation today and instead decided to be entirely indoors. In the boxing ring! That's right! The boys today have to prove their love for Billy by beating each other up!

Billy: Are you sure this is a date?

Host: Of course Billy. Entirely for your benefit.

Billy: Are you sure no one is going to get hurt?

Host: We never promised that [cackles].

Billy: Are you sure you're not related to Cam?

Host: WHO TOLD YOU?

Billy: [freaked out] I was kidding.

Host: Right. Ignore that last outburst.

Billy: [sighs] I'm surrounded by crazy people.

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[Cooper and Justin are waiting in the boxing ring]

Billy: Coop, are you sure-?

Cooper: Don't say it, Billy!

Billy: I'm just-

Cooper: I'm fierce! Fierce, you get it! I'm tougher than I look!

Billy: [uncertain] Okay.

Justin: [leans over the ring] Any words of encouragement, Billy-love?

Billy: Umm...good luck?

Justin: If they come with a kiss-

Cooper: Justin, you bloody-

Host: Let's get started! In the blue corner we have Cooper Cronk and in the red corner we have Justin Hodges! They're ready to fight for love, to bloody their noses and break their bones. No biting, no hair pulling and no kicking the nether regions. The fight goes on until someone concedes or I get bored. Alright! Let's begin!

[The fight begins. The boys start up cautiously with occasional jabs at their opponent. Billy watches, nervously biting his nails. Then Justin starts talking.]

Justin: You really think you'll win this? Against me?

Cooper: [jabs] You don't love him at all. You just want to win this!!

Justin: [counter jab] Well it is a competition isn't it?

Cooper: It's not just a fucking competition. This is Billy's life. I'll be damned if I let you play with his heart like this! [kick]

Justin: What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You might be his best friend but that means nothing. He's never going to love you enough to choose you! [counter kick]

Cooper: I know he won't choose me but he loves me enough, you jerk! And he's not going to pick you either cos' he's already in love with someone else! [punch]

Justin: Screw you! [counter punch]

Cooper: You wish! [knock out punch]

Justin: [knocked out]

Host: Wow! I hope we got all of that on film.

Billy: [peers at Justin worriedly and then wonderingly at Cooper] Wow, Coop!

Cooper: [preens] He was not worthy of you, Billy.

Billy: Right. [looks at Justin again] Shouldn't he get looked at?

Host: We fired the medic, remember?

Billy: So-?

Host: He'll be fine, should wake up in a few hours.

Billy: But-

Cooper: [Grabs Billy's elbow and steers him away] Let us away from this place!

Billy: Why are you talking like that?

Cooper: [Frowns] Not sure.

Host: [prods Justin with a toe and cackles] I love it when things work out like they should!

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Host: The second individual date. We had something glorious in mind but Billy told us, quite sternly, that if we try any anything he'd quit. Therefore we abandoned all our plans [which involved flying them to Hawaii] and let the romance take its course.

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Billy: [knocks on door] Johnathan?

Johnathan: [yells from inside the room] The door's not locked, come in!

Billy: [tentatively walks in] What're you doing?

Johnathan: [peers out of the kitchen] Cooking!

Billy: Really?

Johnathan: [grins] come and sit.

Billy: Can I help?

Johnathan: Nope. Just sit and watch.

Billy: [sits] I'm sorry.

Johnathan: [stops running around the kitchen] For what?

Billy: We were supposed to have our date today. I'm sorry I messed it up.

Johnathan: [touches Billy's face] You didn't. This is perfect. I might not cook the best food but I like this. I'd take this over doing anything else.

Billy: [smiles] Really?

Johnathan: Really. Oh...I got sauce on your face. [leans forward and kisses it off]

Billy: [breathless] Johnathan-

Johnathan: [kisses Billy again] Yeah?

Billy: Whatever is on the stove, is going to catch fire!

Couch: [hisses] Bloody stove!

Johnathan: [jumps back] Oh fuck! [focuses on cooking]

Billy: [touches his face wonderingly]

Johnathan: [turns around] Close your eyes.

Billy: Why?

Johnathan: Come on! Trust me, close your eyes.

Billy: [closes eyes]

Johnathan: [scuttles around the room]

Cutlery: [clinks]

Time: [passes]

Johnathan: Okay. You can open your eyes now.

Billy: [opens eyes] Oh!

Dining table: [glowing with candles. Decorated with roses.]

Johnathan: [holds out a hand] Dinner?

Billy: [takes hand]

Jonathan: [smiles and leads Billy to the dining table]

Billy: [turns around] How do you do it?

Johnathan: Do what?

Billy: [Takes Johnathan's face in hands] Make this so easy. [kisses]

[kisses. Kisses. Kisses]

Couch: [hisses] Yeah!

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Host: So the final score card! Justin Hodges is recovering in hospital. It seems Cooper punched him harder than we initially thought! Imagine that! Billy has found his soul mate and is deliriously happy. We would have an engagement and several follow up shows about the wedding but given the non-heterosexual nature of our show, that possibility lies only in the future. Maybe one day.

It appears everything has worked out as planned and if you haven't guessed who plotted all of this by now, then here's a clue, he never really left!

No animals were harmed in the filming of this show (no, not even the crab!). We wish Billy and Johnathan all the happiness in their new found love and wish Cooper all the best with his' (boxing). We probably will never do this again but it was fun while it lasted. Thank you to all who stuck by us and the boys. Now here's the reunion.

Jarryd, Krisnan and Feleti: [sing 'here comes the bride']

Greg: [looming at the back]

Cam: [grinning deliriously at everyone]

Cooper: [watching Billy with a happy smile]

Ben C: [watching Billy with a sad smile]

Johnathan: [smiling at Billy]

Billy: [To the camera] Thank you [kisses Johnathan]

The end!

Closing credits

Music by: Eric Grothe jr

Medical advice: Cam Smith

Set decoration: Cam Smith

Security: Greg Inglis and Sam Thaiday

Producers: Darren Lockyer and Cam Smith

Script: Cam Smith and Brett Finch

Director/Host: Brett Finch