Through the heart

Through the heart
Inspired by Blue bloods/ season 1, epidoe 17 - Silver Star.
Michael Oats/ James Phelps
Sort of AU. Wanted to write their back story and change the ending.



"I don't want any trouble…" he says, eyes downcast, dark hair hanging in his eyes.
The men laugh, emboldened by alcohol.
"Well looks like trouble found you, buddy" One of them says, voice dripping with sarcasm.
He stands his ground. He hadn't gone through what he'd been through to bow down to men like these.
"What's that you have there?"
He looks down and realises his dog tags were hanging loose around his neck. He clutches them with one hand.

"What would you do, eh? If I wasn't here?"

"I wouldn't be here, if you weren't"

"You know you shouldn't take what isn't yours. Who'd you steal that from then?" The man in the light coloured coat says, voice silky and smooth, like he's talking to a child.

"They're mine" he whispers.

The man laughs and reaches.

The man is on the ground before he could blink. He hasn't lost it yet. The men tense, realising they're facing more than a stoned homeless guy.

He is a marine. But he is outnumbered. And he hasn't eaten in three days. The fight ends up being less even than he hopes it to be.

"We're at the end of the world here, man. There is no turning back from this"

---

He only grunts when he feels a body slump down next to him, too focussed on his lunch. James laughs, intentionally elbowing him on the side. Gentler than he could have been.

"It's better than some shit you'd get at my uncle's takeout, no doubt"

He looks up to see James ripping apart his lunch.

"Can't say that everyday, Jem"

James looks at him, blue eyes bright in the eternal sunshine of this goddamn country.

"Watch me"

---

MIA.

That's what they tell him. James Phelps is officially missing in action. It doesn't process for a moment. The words just flow over his head and he just stands there, feeling time slowing to a trickle.

No.

He doesn't believe it.

He won't believe it.

He can't believe it.

They look at him with pity in their eyes when they tell him there's nothing to be done , that he should go home now that he'd been discharged.

They don't understand that it's impossible.

His home is now missing in action.

---

They're running so fast, Michael feels the wind ripping through his hair. James is running alongside him, laughing, long arms flying everywhere.

They're 18. They'd just enlisted with the marine corp.

They finally slow down when they get to the old train yard. He leans back against the old fence, trying to catch his breath. James crowds in to him, arms folding around his body, golden hair tickling his skin.

"Jem…"

He feels long fingers in his hair before they kiss. He grips his fingers in James's shirt that is two sizes too big for him and kisses the boy he'd been in love with since he was 12.

---

He wakes up. And he's dreaming. He watches the sunlight flickering through golden hair. He smiles. This is a good dream. He hasn't had a good dream in a long time.

"Michael?"

"I miss you" he whispers.

Jem's long fingers thread through his', blue eyes bright.

"I'm sorry. I'm here now"

Michael sighs and closes his eyes, even in his dream, his head hurts. He tightens his hold on James's fingers. He'd never let go again.

---

He clutches his rifle to his chest and takes a moment to breathe. The world is chaos around him. But James is right next to him, breathing harshly in his ear. And despite all the gunfire, and the explosions and the never ending screaming, he's okay. Because the center of his universe is right here. Still thinner than he should be, with those bright blue eyes and the strong beating heart that holds his own, knowing that Jem is next to him is all he needs to go on.

---

"It was in the newspaper, what happened to you. I've been looking all this time. Jess said you came out this way and I…"

"I thought… I lost you"

"I didn't know how to find you. I didn't know where you were. I came home three months ago"

"Three months?"

"Been looking for you all that time"

"I couldn't...normal life. I couldn't. Not without you"

---

Michael opens his eyes. He knows this is not a dream anymore. He knows. James had fallen asleep next to him, head resting on the bed next to his right hand. He flexes his fingers and they brush against James's hair that he's let grow out now that he's home.
He'd never given up. But this still feels so unreal. To have this again. And the relief he feels makes his heart clench painfully in his chest and he wants to cry with the force of it. He curls away from James and lets go, tears already wet on his face, shoulders shaking with the effort to not make any noise. Everything that had happened since they had first told him James was missing, finally catches up with him. He feels the weight on the bed before he feels James's arms wrap around him. They stay like that until Michael finally quieten and the tears run out and he turns in James's arms to look at him.
Jem kisses his forehead gently, fingers gentle on his face.

"I promised I'd catch you, didn't I?"

It's funny how only one person had ever promised him that. Only one person in his life loved him enough to say it. But that's okay. Because James is enough. He just needs this one person.

The End.

If we go back to stars III

Chapter 3

It is the sound of a baby crying that wakes him up. He curses the neighbours in his head and opens his eyes. And meets Quade's green eyes fixed on him.

It is their second week at their flat.

"Hi" Quade smiles, eyes sparkling in the morning light.

James can't help his heart skipping a beat.

"Hi" he whispers.

"Baby woke you up?" Quade asks, leaning forward to kiss him lightly. James draws closer.

"Yeah" he huffs out a laugh.

Quade touches his face, fingers gentle as they trace over his eyebrows down over his nose and across his lips.

"Beautiful" Quade whispers and James opens his eyes.

"What?"

"You"

James kisses him because he completely disagrees. The best part of James's day is waking up next to Quade, it’s looking in to those green eyes and feeling like he's the luckiest person on the planet.

Quade pulls back with a laugh when the baby squalls again from next door. James buries his face in Quade's shoulder.

"Oh my god!"

"You got school to go to, baby brother" Quade kisses his hair. James mumbles his protest in to Quade's collarbone. Quade laughs.

"What was that?"

"Do I have to?"

"I'm not the one who has an exam today"

James clings on when Quade tries to pull back.

"James, come on…"

James turns suddenly and straddles his brother, pinning his arms above him to the mattress. Quade is smiling at him, fond and a little exasperated. James grins.

"Are you sure you don't wanna stay?" James asks, trailing his fingers down Quade's sternum. Quade's breath hitches and it's the only affirmation James needs. He leans down and kisses Quade, open mouthed and hungry. Quade leans up in to it, freeing a hand and threading it in James's hair to pull him closer.

Then the doorbell rings.

"What the hell?" James swears, barely moving back.

"That'd be Kurtly" Quade answers, hands trailing down James's sides to rest on his hips, "We gotta go"

James sighs and pulls away, fishing around the mattress for his shirt. He stills when Quade comes up behind him and wraps an arm around him. He feels Quade's lips on his shoulder.

"I'll make up for it tonight, okay"

James grins to himself.

"You better"

---

The worst time in James's life come when Quade is 23 and James just hit 21. It is Friday and they go out with Kurtly and a few other boys.

---

It is the look of sheer horror on Quade's face that James will remember the most from that night. The utter panic that freezes his brother on the spot, even just for a moment.

Then he charges and his speed sends one of the men flying and James tries to twist out of the grip he's held in.

Quade is fast, has always been the quickest of them both. But he is so outnumbered now and it's not long before the advantage if surprise gives way to the force of sheer numbers.

James knows things are going south fast and is trying desperately to get free when one of the men slams Quade's head against the wall. James hears the crack of impact and time slows to a trickle as Quade slides down to the floor. James doesn't know, will never know, where the strength comes from but he head-butts one of the men holding him, twisting out of his grip. He needs to get to Quade. At the corner of his eyes he sees the bathroom door open and it must be their friends because the men are occupied now and there must be a lot of shouting because he can see their mouths move but he can't hear anything. He is not aware of anything but the still body of Quade on the floor.

He gets to him, finally. And he is so scared. So incredibly scared when he reaches out a shaking hand to touch his brother. His hands are soon covered in his brother's blood and he's shaking so hard and he can feel the tears on his face. And knows without a doubt that this is the worst thing that has happened to him in his whole life. But he finds a pulse skittering under his fingers and relief is enough to knock him out almost. And then Kurtly is kneeling next to them and he has his phone is his hand and he must be calling an ambulance because he's telling them to hurry, get here fast. James doesn't touch Quade because he doesn't want to make things worse but he grips Quade's hand in both of his' and holds on tight. Kurtly wraps an arm around him and tells him Quade will be fine. He'll be fine and the ambulance is coming and everything will be alright, James, please don't cry. James doesn't say anything, doesn't react and the only thing holding him in place is Quade's hand clutched between his' and he doesn't care that people shouting and bleeding around him. Doesn't care about the stabbing pain on his face that probably means his nose is broken. Nothing matters but Quade.

To be continued.

If we go back to stars II

Chapter 2

Quade leaves school at the end of year 10. He is 16 and is sick of watching his brother go hungry because their mother spends most of her pay on alcohol. He gets a job at Beale's Mechanics, run by his friend Kurtly's dad. He's been working there on and off anyway and he's discovered that he's brilliant with cars. He decides that school is no great loss, even if James disagrees. He's never envisioned himself going to university or doing anything so academic. So it's okay. It's steady money and he can keep the fridge stocked, which is what matters to him right now.

James argues with him of course. They don't need the money that badly, he says. But Quade has seen James pretend not to be hungry when he finds the fridge empty even when Quade can hear his stomach growling. And the sinking feeling in his heart is something he never wants to know again.

So Quade presses James against their bedroom door and kisses him. Quade would do anything for his brother. He knows he's made the right decision.

---

Quade comes home one day and finds James lying naked on his bed. Their mother won't be home for a few hours yet but Quade closes the door behind him anyway. James's eyes are closed but Quade knows he's not a sleep because the corners of James's lips are desperately trying to curve up in to a smile.

"James…" he breathes, heart thudding in his chest.

James finally gives up pretending to sleep and turns his head, blue eyes catching his'.

"Quade" James reaches out a hand across the bed.

"What are you-"

"Come here"

Quade is 17 and James is 15 today. They haven't been here before.

Quade moves. He can't help it. He pauses at the edge of the bed. James is looking up at him.

"It's my birthday today," James says, fingers reaching up to thread through his', "this is what I want"

Quade swallows. If they do this, it'd be the final line. There would be no coming back.

He strips off his clothes and gets on the bed.

James laughs in to the kiss when he kisses him.

They have never much cared for the boundaries anyway.

---

They take up rugby at school. Living up in Queensland, there aren't too many other options. But that doesn't stop them from being brilliant at it. Both of them make the school team and Quade breaks the coach's heart when he decides to leave school. They had been aiming for the regional championships next year.

Quade misses it incredibly afterwards. Misses playing with his brother, with his friends. Misses doing the only thing he'd ever been good at. And if he thinks about it too much, he'd almost regret it.

Almost.

And it's not like he never gets to play. They play in the local park with Kurtly and a few other boys from the neighbourhood. He hasn't given it up. He's just put it away for awhile.

---

When Quade is 19 and James is 17, they move out. Their mother doesn't say anything. She just stands in the living room, watching them as Quade and James take the boxes filled with their belongings out to the car they borrowed from Kurtly.

James hugs her goodbye. Quade doesn't.

Their new place is a one room flat on the fourth floor of a five story building that has seen better days. There is no lift, so they have to carry everything up the stairs, this one time grateful to not have too many belongings.

It's closer to the school so James can walk instead of taking the bus and Quade doesn't mind having to walk longer to work.

It has electricity and hot water and a ratty couch left behind by the previous tenant and a mattress Quade picked up at a garage sale that is serving as their bed and it's not perfect. It's not. But it's theirs. And it's all they need right now.

---

When they tell Kurtly, it's because they want to. Quade is 20 and has been working at Beale's Mechanics for 4 years. That he has customers asking for him by name is something he'll never get over. James is 18 and just finished school. He is currently trying to decide whether university will be worth the time and the effort and the money it is going to cost.

They tell Kurtly because he is their friend and he's been the best friend either of them has ever had.

Kurtly's reaction to the news is not exactly what they expected.

"Why the fuck are you laughing?" Quade asks annoyed, unsure whether to be relieved or not.

Kurtly continues to laugh and James looks as confused as Quade feels.

"Oh man! Oh god! Did you really think...oh fuck!" Kurtly loses the moment of coherence and starts laughing again.

Quade sits down on the arm of the couch next to James and waits him out.

Finally Kurtly's laughter subsides and he looks at them with fond eyes.

"I know this is a big thing for you to tell me like this. I'm so glad you trust me enough for that. Thank you. But did you really think I didn't know?'

"What?" James asks incredulously.

"It's sort of obvious. I mean the way you guys look at each other and I mean Quade, do you even know what you're doing right now?"

Quade frowns at him for a moment before realising that his left hand is on James's neck, fingers gently stroking the soft skin. He freezes. James looks up at him with a small smile before looking back at Kurtly.

"We're that obvious?"

Kurtly shrugs.

"That and the time I walked in on you in the shower"

"What?" they both yell at the same time.

Kurtly scratches the back of his neck with a grin.

"Yeah...um...I don't think you realised I'd come in. I mean… I didn't… you were sort of busy...um...anyway that's how I know"

"When did you...how long have you-?" Quade finds himself unable to finish the question.

"About a year or so"

Quade can feel his face burning. He isn't sure exactly when but if they'd both been in the shower at the same time, he doesn't have to think too hard about what Kurtly would have seen.

"So the point is," Kurtly continues before the awkward silence could get any longer, "I didn't freak out then so I sure as hell am not going to freak out now. I can't really see either of you with anyone else anyway"

"You're really okay with this?" James asks doubtfully.

"What did I just say, dude? Stop freaking out. I don't care about how you're in love with your brother"

"Kurtly…" Quade doesn't know what to say. When he ran the scenarios in his head last night, none of them had played out like this.

"Listen just...you know, be careful out there, alright? Not many people are so open minded, even without the brothers part"

James nods.

"Thank you" Quade says and he's never been more sincere.

To be continued.

If we go back to stars

If we go back to stars

James/Quade

Absolute, total and utter AU.

James and Quade are half-brothers. This story follows them along their lives. Incest warning.

This fic's been my baby for awhile now. Please tread kindly :)

Chapter 1.

They're brothers. Not that anyone would be able to tell. They look so different. Quade, with his dark skin and green eyes and James, golden haired and blue-eyed. They like it that people can't tell. Prefer it, infact.

---

When Quade is 13 and James 11, their mom brings home her latest boyfriend. They are used to it by now, given it happens every few months or so. And they've learnt now to stay out of their way and haunt their own corners of the house. James would always curl up in Quade's arms and listen to whatever story Quade makes up on the spot. His voice low enough not to bring the adults down on them but high enough that James doesn’t have to hear the sounds coming from the other room.

The new boyfriend is of no great importance until he starts paying attention to James.

"Well you're a pretty one aren't you?" he'd say and reach out to ruffle James's hair or pat him on the back. James always squirms out of reach and hides behind Quade.

Quade has always been protective of James, loves him to the exclusion of everything else. And Quade hates Russel. Hates the way his eyes follows James. Hates how he tries to touch him whenever he could.

Quade is 13 and although he's tall for his age, he is nowhere near big enough to take on Russel, who is six foot something and going on overweight. None of this matters because James is his' and Quade would never let anything hurt him.

---

He's just come in from hanging the washing when he finds Russel kneeling infront of James, one hand in his hair and the other on his shoulder. James pulls himself out of the man's grip the moment Quade comes in, running in to his arms and burying his face in Quade's chest.

Quade holds his brother close and glares at Russel, who stands up, anger colouring his face.

Quade pulls back from his brother a little, meeting James's blue eyes.

"Hey James, go wait for me in the room okay"

James shakes his head, clutching on to Quade's shirt.

Quade kisses his hair.

"I'll be there in a few minutes, I promise"

When James reluctantly leaves, Quade stands up straight and faces Russel.

"Stay away from my brother"

"Are you telling me what to do? You little runt!"

Quade would do anything for his brother. Standing up to a man three times his size is not something he has to think twice about.

---

James knows the sacrifice his brother is making. He kisses every bruise he finds trying to make them better. He loves Quade. It has always been the two of them. Always. Their mother is sometimes there but often not. It has been Quade who looks after him. Quade who makes sure that he had enough to eat, who brushes his hair and holds him close at night.

Quade is his home, his safe haven. As long as he has Quade, James doesn't need anyone else.

---

When Quade is 16 and James, 14, they share their first kiss.

It has been coming for some time.

James is jealous of all the girls hanging around Quade at school. Quade, who's grown taller with his golden skin and piercing green eyes is simply put, stunning. A fact no one at school has failed to miss. And even though Quade never pays any attention to any of it, James still finds it unbearable to watch them around his brother.

Quade takes his brother's concerns quite lightly until he realises James is serious.

"James, hey…" Quade takes James's face in both hands, fingers threading through the golden hair.

"I don't care about them"

"Right"

"There are 6 billion people on this planet. Do you know how many of them I actually care about?"

James watches him, blue eyes wide.

"Just you" Quade says and kisses him.

James opens his eyes and Quade's heart starts beating again.

"Quade" James whispers wonderingly. Quade smiles.

"Just you"

James smiles and kisses him tentatively.

"I believe you now"

---

"I hated your father and I hate you!"

Quade flinches and takes a step back. So much anger in his mother's voice. So much hate. Quade has never gotten used to this, even if it happened more often than he could count.

"Mom…" he says, trying to get her to calm down.

"Don't touch me!" she yells and stumbles as she reaches for the fridge.

Quade hesitates before putting a hand on her back to steady her. She whips away from him.

"Get away from me!" she snaps and Quade holds up his hands and moves back.

"Mom, calm down" Quade feels James's hand on his back before he hears him.

"You think you can tell me what to do? Think I don't know what you are?" her furious eyes flicker between them both.

"I don't want you in my house! Get out! Get out!" she yells, hands flailing.

Quade feels James's hand on his wrist and he looks at his brother.

"Come on"

Quade is almost 18 and James is 15.

---

"I think she knows" James says, hands pillowed under his head as he looks up at the stars.

Quade turns his head and looks at him. The light from the street lights barely reach the park but he's close enough to his brother to see the pale face in the darkening evening light.

"We should leave" Quade says, finally voicing the thought that's been rattling around in his head for a while now.

James turns his head to meet his eyes.

"What about mom?'

"She hates us" Quade looks up, thankful for the warm summer night and the clear skies.

"She's just…" James tries, "she's our mom, Quade! We can't just abandon her!"

"She just kicked us out, James"

"She was just...she was drunk, Quade. She won't remember it in the morning. And even if we leave, where would we go?"

Quade props up on an elbow and looks down at his brother. The dark blonde hair spread over the grass and the eyes that are so blue, he can even see them in this darkness.

James smiles, reaching up a hand to touch his face, fingers ghosting over his lips.

"I'm old enough now and I've got some money saved up. We can rent a place" Quade catches James's hand and kisses the fingers.

"I can get another job and-"

"No" Quade cuts him off, "you have to finish school"

"Quade-"

"We're not gonna argue about this, James. You're finishing school and that's it!"

"I don't get a say? You don't have to do this on your own. I can help"

Quade smiles and kisses James gently.

"I know you can. But I need you to do this okay? For me"

"That's not fair"

"I'm your brother. Who says I have to play fair?"

They spend the night at the park.

To be continued.