For my ship of the moment. And for Yellowleaf, who might have to wait a while for her prince epic.
The
last note of the song hangs in the air and Jharal leans his head on Justin's
shoulder.
"The
first time I told you I loved you, you thought you had a concussion," he
says and hears Justin chuckle, "I've loved you always."
He
knows he can finally mean it, that it's the truth. He could say it a hundred
times and it would never mean any less.
---
Looking
out from underneath,
Fractured
moonlight on the sea
Reflections
still look the same to me,
As
before I went under.
---
He's
not really aware of anything until there is music. Filtering in through the
haze of his mind. The sweet notes of a piano slowly drawing him out of himself.
He listens. This is new. There has never been music here before. He sits up gingerly. The tiles of the floor
are cold under his feet. The music
continues and he stands up reluctantly, hand gripping the bed railing for
support. It has been a while since he stood up voluntarily. But the music calls him and he has to find
it.
He
takes a step forward and is immensely relieved when he doesn't fall. And takes
another step. He makes it to the door and leans against the frame, breathless.
He knows he wasn't like this before. Before the accident. His parents don't
talk about it. Or about his previous life much when they visit. But he knows
for certain that he'd never needed help walking ten steps. He misses it. At
least he thinks he misses it. He isn't sure that it is possible to miss
something he cannot remember. But if he can't remember it, does it mean he was
never that person? That he's brand new now? A new start, as his father puts it.
But he doesn't want this. Doesn't want anything anymore. Much easier to simply
fade.
The
music calls him back again. And he makes his way to the main living room. The
music is so much clearer now. He knows it's coming from here. The clear notes
of the piano that has sat silent in the living room all this time. He doesn't
go in, instead he leans against the wall and slides slowly down to the ground.
It is beautiful. This is the first time he'd thought anything as beautiful for
a long time. He smiles and closes his eyes. The music carries him. But not
away. Because he's already away. But it carries him closer, he can feel, to the
person he was before.
---
The
piano player comes every day. He follows the music every single time. Sometimes
he falls asleep and wakes up in his bed. And sometimes the music ends and he
sits there, and listens to the piano player talking to the caretakers. He has a beautiful voice, the piano
player. He's never seen him though. He
doesn't want to. He doesn't want to scare him away.
The
music is helping him. He knows this. He pays more attention to things now. He’s
doing better in rehab. Talks to the doctor with more than one syllable. It is
tearing him away from his apathy.
---
There
is no music. He squeezes his eyes shut and listens. Still nothing. Where is the
piano player? He makes his way to the
living room, hesitating at the threshold because he's never come in here
before, not when it's time for music. He peers in to the room and sees the
piano. But there's no one there. He ignores his reflection in the mirror on the
wall. He doesn't want to see, just a pile of skin and bones. He slowly makes
his way to the piano, hand trailing gently over the faded wood. He hears
someone enter the room and turns. It's the piano player. He knows it's true even
if he's never seen him in his life. He knows it's him. The piano player is
looking at him with surprised eyes.
"I
missed..." he begins and pauses, unsure what to say, "there was no
music," he says in the end.
The
surprise on the piano player's face fades in to a gentle sadness.
"I'm
sorry," he says, sitting down at the piano, "I was delayed."
The
piano player looks up at him, fingers poised over the keys. His eyes are a dark
brown, beautiful, like his voice, like his music.
"What
would you like me play?"
"Memories,"
he says and the piano player looks devastated for a moment before he looks down
at his piano.
"Memories,"
the piano player whispers and begins to play.
He
makes his way to the couch and lies down on it. He falls asleep. He wants to
dream of home. But sees the sad eyes of the piano player instead.
---
And
it's peaceful in the deep,
Either
way, you cannot breathe,
No
need to pray, no need to speak
Now
I am under.
---
He
remembers his childhood. His parents, his brothers and sisters. He remembers
school. They tell him he played for the Broncos. They tell him he was
brilliant. He doesn't remember it. Doesn't remember the game when he collided
with the goal post so hard, it cracked his skull and he nearly died. He lost
his memory instead and now he feels like a loose thread waiting for memories he
may never regain to bring him back to reality.
His
parents have been wary about exposing him to his life with the Broncos. He's
seen a few photos of himself in the maroon and gold that did nothing for his
memories. He remembers there were few guys that came to visit him when he had
first gotten here. But he didn't know them. Doesn't remember. He thinks there
was someone at the hospital at the start but his memories of that time is so
hazy he might be imagining it all. But he remembers someone crying. At least he
thinks so. He wonders who that was. Who loved him enough to cry for him. It
breaks his heart because he'll never know now. Even if he meets that person, he
still wouldn't know. He wonders if he had a girlfriend. No. Wait. Not a
girlfriend. The person he is now, as frayed and incomplete as he is, knows he's
gay. But was he before? Would that change with his memories too? He doesn't
know. And there hasn't been anyone so maybe he was single when the accident
happened.
He
can't play rugby again. Another hit like that will kill him for sure. He doesn't
even know if he'd be any good at it now. Maybe he lost it with his memories
too. He doesn't know what he can do. Doesn't know what he's good at. His
parents don't want him to worry about that. He knows they're well off enough to
support him. They tell him that he also made enough money during his playing
days to last him a long while if he's careful. But if he's serious about this
whole new start thing, he can't just sit at home and do nothing. If he's
discovered anything about himself in these few months is that being idle is not
his way. But the doctor tells him he'll get help for that. Integrate back in to
normal society step by step. All these things are so new. Things he refused to
even think about until the piano player woke him up. He was happy to fade away
before the music came in to his life.
The
piano player. Ever since that day when they accidently met, he lies on the
couch and listens to him play. The music carries him and there are times when
he feels so close to something, to his past maybe, just out of reach, waiting
for him. The piano player watches him with sad eyes sometimes, when he thinks
he is not looking. He wonders what has made him so sad. He knows if it was up
to him, those eyes would never be unhappy.
---
"I
lost something," the piano player says, looking up at the sky with his
hands folded under his head, "the most precious thing in the world and I
might never get it back."
So
that's why his eyes are so sad.
"Can
I help?"
The
piano player looks at him with a small smile.
"You
already are."
---
He
sits by the piano player and watches him play, long fingers flowing over the
keys. They're sitting so close together that their shoulders are touching. He
closes his eyes and breathes, the piano player's warmth seeping in to his
skin. He is happy today. This is the
happiest he's been since he woke up. And he knows why. The reason is next to
him, warm and solid and he might have forgotten a lot but he knows what this
is, knows why.
His
piano player. He wonders if he'd felt
this before. Ever sat next to someone and knew that all he needed to be happy
was this one person. He doesn't know. He
hopes he did. All he has is now. Quite literally. He has nothing to fall back
on.
He
opens his eyes when he realises the music had stopped. He turns to find the
piano player's eyes fixed on him, a small smile on his face.
"Jharal?"
He
leans forward and kisses him. But if he's going to embrace this, his new life,
then he cannot be afraid.
---
They
walk in from the garden and find his parents in the hall. The piano player
tenses beside him and he threads their fingers together. He can make his
parents understand. Even if he's forgotten half his life, he's old enough to
make his own decisions.
"What
are you doing here?" his father spits before he can say anything, eyes
flickering between the piano player's face and their linked hands.
"I'm
where I belong," the piano player says in a hard voice he's never heard
before.
His
father's face twists.
"We
told you to stay away! Stay away from our son!"
He
blinks and looks at the piano player.
"You
knew me before?" he asks in a quiet voice.
The
piano player's eyes are gentle when they turn to him.
"Yes."
"You
didn't say anything," he steps back, letting go of the piano player's
hand, who makes as if to reach out but let's his hand fall.
He
doesn't remember.
"I
didn't want… I knew you couldn't remember me so I ...please, Jharal," the
piano player's eyes are swimming with tears, voice heavy with it.
A
memory flashes across his mind. Someone crying at the hospital. Crying for him.
"You,"
he searches the piano player's face, trying so hard to find something familiar
because he can't bear the thought that he'd forgotten this man, "you were
at the hospital."
The
tears fall.
"Yes."
"That's
enough. We are not going through this," his father steps closer, "we
won't have you corrupting our son again!"
Again.
He
takes another step back, eyes fixed on the piano player's face.
"Who
was I to you?" he asks.
"Everything."
---
And
the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And
all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And
the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The
arms of the ocean deliver me.
---
The
first time Jharal tells Justin that he loves him, it's after Justin takes a hit
to the head on the field. He gets the green light from the trainers and slowly
walks back to his position on the left wing. Jharal meets him half way, worried
eyes searching his'.
"I'm
okay," he says as the teams get ready to resume play.
"I
love you," Jharal says, almost abruptly. The ball is kicked and the game
starts. Justin looks at Jharal in surprise.
"What?"
Jharal
shakes his head with a laugh.
"I
said," the trainers are yelling at them to move, "that I love
you," Jharal yells out as they slowly run towards where the ball is being
played.
Justin
thinks he might have a concussion.
"I'm
sorry, what?" he asks before joining Petero in a tackle. He gets up and immediately makes his way back
to Jharal.
"I
think I might have a concussion but I think you said that you loved me,"
he says, ignoring the game again.
Jharal
shoves at him playfully.
"I'm
not gonna say it again, you idiot!"
Justin
grins.
"Just
once more, please! I want to hear you say it."
The
trainers are yelling again. Justin doesn't care. Jharal smiles.
"I
love you."
---
Justin
smiles to himself as he plays. Jharal is
sitting next to him at the piano, eyes closed, lost to the world in the music.
This is their tradition, every night before a game. A home game at least. Not
so easy to travel with a giant piano interstate. He would play whatever comes to his head or
whatever Jharal wants to hear and Jharal would sit next to him, warm and solid
and making Justin happier than he'd been in a long time. The last note hangs in the air as the song
comes to an end. Jharal is smiling before his eyes open.
"That
was beautiful," Jharal says, catching Justin's lips with his own, "I
think it's my favourite so far."
Justin
smiles in to the kiss.
"It's
called Memories," he whispers against Jharal's lips.
"Mmm,"
Jharal murmurs, leaning back slightly, "it's beautiful."
"It's
yours then," Justin kisses him again, "Your song."
"Mine."
---
Justin
blinks. Mind not registering what he'd just seen. What he is seeing. It cannot
be Jharal lying on the ground unmoving. Can't be his blood that Justin can see
seeping on the ground. Cannot be his own horror and fear that is freezing his
heart.
No.
He can't believe it.
Except that it is. It is Jharal on the ground
unconscious. It is Jharal that they're carrying off on a stretcher to the
ambulance. He doesn't remember the rest of the game. Doesn't know how he
manages to stay on the ground. But he does. And Alex drives him to the hospital
immediately afterwards.
Jharal's
parents are already there. He ignores their hard eyes and whispers. They've already fought this battle. And he won. The
nurses tell him Jharal is in emergency surgery.
He
knows serious injuries aren't uncommon in the league. It might take a few
months or even a year but Jharal will be fine in the end. This can't hold him
back. Justin would make sure of it.
Memory
loss. The doctors tell him they don't know how extensive the damage is. Or how
long it will last. Justin reaches for Jharal's hand but Jharal draws it back
and Justin doesn't know how to fight this. There is no plan. Jharal doesn't
know him, doesn't love him. In a space of a few hours, Justin has lost the one
thing that makes his life worth living.
---
Justin runs. Unable
to face up to the fact that the person he loves most in the world has no clue
who he is. And Jharal's family likes it fine that he's gone. Being strict
Mormons, they never approved of Justin. And with Jharal's memory loss, they see
no reason for Justin to be in Jharal's life anymore. For a while, even he can't
see a reason for him to be in Jharal's life.
But he can't stay away.
Jharal draws him like a moth to fire and even if it destroys him to see the
blankness in Jharal's eyes, he can't leave him. Can't leave him on his own.
Jharal always hated being on his own. And even if he was in a room full of
people, he would feel alone until they find each other.
So
he visits Jharal at the recovery centre everyday and tries his best to bring him
some peace, even if it breaks his heart every single time.
---
Justin
can see him in the mirror. Sitting on the floor, head leaning back against the
wall, eyes closed. His hair is only just starting to grow back and it makes him
smile because he remembers when that head had been covered with dark hair.
Remembers the first time he'd run his fingers through the dark hair and the
look in Jharal's eyes. It had been after their first kiss. Justin's heart had
been filled with joy and wonder and a shock of realisation that he loved this
man. That he was in love. Jharal had smiled and claimed him. Even if Jharal
couldn't remember him now, Justin belonged here.
---
He
finds Jharal alseep against the wall. His heart fills with longing. He looks up
when a caretaker comes along.
"Can
I?" Justin asks.
"I'm
sorry, it's against policy," the caretaker says and lifts Jharal up in to
his arms.
Justin
clenches his fists and smiles through gritted teeth.
---
Jharal
waits for him at the piano everyday and Justin can't help but feel some hope
when Jharal smiles at him. Even if Jharal might never remember what they had,
maybe they could start again.
---
"We
were together...before," Jharal says and it's not a question. He knows the
truth by the pain in Justin's eyes.
"Yes."
"I
don't...I can't remember."
"I
know." Justin looks at him and Jharal can see the force his words have on
him.
"You
came back for me even when you knew I couldn't remember you."
"I
couldn't leave you. You always hated being on your own." Justin smiles and
Jharal can tell he's remembering all the
times they've been together. He wishes
he could.
"I
still do."
He
threads their fingers together and looks up at Justin.
"Can
we start again? I don't know if my memory will come back but I don't want to
wait for it. I guess I've fallen in love with you twice."
There
are tears in Justin's eyes but he's smiling.
"I'd
like that," Justin says and kisses him.
Jharal
kisses him back and it feels as right as breathing.
---
In
the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold,
And
all this devotion I never knew at all,
And
the crashes are Heaven, for a sinner released,
And
the arms of the ocean,
Deliver
me.
The
end.
Notes:
The song that features throughout the story is Never let me go by Florence
and the Machine. The song that Justin plays, Memories, is by Clint Mansell featured in the Moon soundtrack.
