Written across the Stars

I wasn't going to post this fic but it's eating away at me and I want to be able to do some work without getting distracted by fic every ten minutes. Get out of my soul, fic, and in to the world wide web!

Summer

“We’re gathered here today to farewell…”

It should have been raining, pouring. But it wasn’t. He blinked against the light and the tears, digging his fingernails in to his palms. Everything felt surreal like he was in a dream. A nightmare. His palm was wet and when he looked at it, red with blood where his nails had dug in. He wasn’t meant to be here. This was never meant to happen. His worst nightmare playing out in reality in front of his eyes and he had to be here, had to do this. Like he always had. Do what he had to. He wanted to scream until his voice died, until everything stopped. Until he stopped. Instead he stood in the bright sunshine, about to bury all that he loved and knew it was his fault. It was all his fault.

The previous summer

“Justin’s getting married” Leigh said in a singsong voice.

Dal froze and looked at him.

“What?”

Leigh grinned. “Yeah. I heard him talking to Ashley last night. Apparently she-“

Nick was standing at the door staring at Leigh.

Dal took a step forward. “Nick?”

Nick fled.

“You’re such an idiot sometimes, Leigh” Dal yelled as he chased after Nick.

***

Justin took one look at Nick’s face and knew. Nick had found out.

“It’s not true” Nick said, voice trembling at the last.

Justin stood up. “Nick” He took a step forward.

“It can’t be true” Nick pleaded.

“You wouldn’t do that to me”

All Justin wanted to do was to take Nick in his arms and kiss his hair and tell him of course it wasn’t true. He’d never hurt him like that because he loved him more than anyone. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t because he couldn’t walk away from his responsibility. Even if he had to give up the thing he loved most in the world. Even if he’d never be whole again. He had to do what was right.

Didn’t he?

“Nick, I…I’m sorry this isn’t how I wanted you to find out” and that wasn’t the right thing to say at all but his heart was about to burst and he couldn’t put words to anything he wanted to say.

Nick was breathing too fast and there were tears in his eyes and Justin couldn’t bear the utter devastation he saw in Nick’s eyes. He couldn’t bear the knowledge that he had put it there.

Suddenly Nick laughed, a cracked, hollow sound.

“Not how you wanted me to find out? Why the fuck does that matter?” Nick yelled, angry and crying and already drawing away.

Justin moved forward. “Nick, please…”

***

Dal watched Nick pass by without a glance in his direction. And he heard Justin scream from within the room followed by muffled thumps. He wiped at his eyes and took out his phone.

“Lenny? No, just listen okay? Justin’s getting married. No! Listen, Nick just found out. Can you please… I don’t think he should be alone. He’s headed your way. Yeah, I will. Call me after”

***

Justin was sitting on the floor, head in hands when Dal found him. The wall above him was dented and covered in suspicious red stains that matched the blood on Justin’s knuckles. Until this moment he’d been hoping, praying that Leigh had been mistaken, that Nick running out in tears could be fixed, that this was all a huge misunderstanding. But if it had been then Justin would have gone after Nick, not just sit here bloody and shaking.

“Oh Justin!” he whispered, crouching down next to him.

Justin ran his bloodied hands through his hair and looked up.

“Hit me”

“What?”

“I need to…I deserve to hurt. Just hit me, Dal!”

“No way”

Justin’s breath hitched. “This is...I’m not meant to be here. I should” He looked up at the door where Nick had walked out minutes ago. “-be with him”

“Then why aren’t you?”

“Because I can’t. All of our fucking pretenses in the real world caught up with me”

Dal looked at him uncomprehendingly.

“She’s pregnant. I can’t let my kid grow up a bastard. I…” he looked at Dal “I can’t…” he tore at his face with his hands and Dal reached out to grab his wrists before he could do any damage.

“Stop it! Stop it, Justin!”

Justin looked at him with tear-filled eyes, hollow and without hope. His beautiful friend, who had stood with him through so much, who was the most honourable person he knew, was falling apart right infront of his eyes and he wished so desperately that he knew what to do.

“Why Dal? Why does it matter? He-“ Justin looked at the door again as if expecting to see Nick there.

“I’ve loved him for so long. I always thought….” He shuddered. “I’ve destroyed us. I don’t deserve to even breathe!”

Spring 2000

“I think we’re lost” Justin said, scratching his head and looking around doubtfully at all the tall buildings. Coming from a small farming town, all the skyscrapers in the city always unnerved him. They made him feel trapped. No space to breathe. Nick eyed the hastily drawn map of Melbourne streets he had in his hands.

“Um…well… we’re on Elizabeth street right now so… I think we should just follow it and hopefully it’ll be to the right of us”

Neither of them was native to Melbourne and having arrived only a few months ago were yet to understand the mystifying layout of its streets.

“You sure? I don’t want any more detours” Justin said looking at Nick who was still staring at the map.

“Shut up man! That was your fault” Nick replied, glancing up.

Justin grinned.

“Why did Lenny pick such a pain in the ass place to eat?”

‘’'Cos he likes torturing newbies” Nick answered as they waited to cross the road.

“You know we might be lost in this stupid city forever and then what’s St Kilda gonna do about their first two draft picks?”

Nick smiled at him. “Don’t worry. I promise we’ll make it out of here alive”

Autumn 2006

“Nick, I’m sorry” Justin reached out a hand.

“No. It’s okay” Nick backed away.

“Nick-“

“No” Nick looked at him. “I should have realised you had plans”

Justin moved forward and trapped Nick against the wall, cupping his face with a hand. Nick held his eyes, completely still as Justin traced the planes of his face.

“Nick…” Justin threaded his fingers in Nick’s golden hair and kissed him. After an initial unresponsive second, Nick kissed him back, pressing closer, fisting his hands in Justin’s shirt.

They drew back for air without stepping back.

“Go” Nick breathed.

Justin hesitated.

“I know it’s her birthday, so just go Justin”

Justin drew back, his hand still in Nick’s hair.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” he whispered, hand lingering before he turned and left.

Two summers ago

The house was old and small. The living room had an old couch, an older piano and a fire place. The carpet was a light orange with flower patterns and suspicious looking stains that Nick tried to avoid. The bedroom had a double bed, a bed stand and nothing else and Nick loved it because it had huge windows that filled up the room with light. The kitchen was the largest room in the house, although the stove only had two spots and the oven had sprouted new life forms. The bathroom boasted a strange bathtub/shower combo that drew on water from a tank placed just outside. They were in the middle of nowhere, in a house older than both of them combined and it was exactly where they wanted to be.

-

Justin paused at the doorway , two cups of tea warm in his hands. Nick was standing by the window, a quilt wrapped around his waist, watching the morning sun light up the garden. There was a moment when Justin thought Nick was made of the golden light of morning, that if he touched him he’d disappear. Nothing so bright and beautiful could possibly be real. He set the cups down quietly and made his way to Nick. He gently trailed a hand down Nick’s back, skin soft and warm under his fingers. Nick was smiling when he turned to face him.

“I love it here”

Justin kissed him, long and lazy like the days of summer. He lead them back to the bed, never breaking the kiss, the tea cooling slowly on the bedside table.

-

They played cricket in the rain. Justin had fished out a bat and some tennis balls from a cupboard in the kitchen. It had been sunny enough when they had started playing but the weather had been fickle all summer and it had started to drizzle just as Nick started batting. He’d just shrugged and played on. But then it had started to pour.

Nick looked up at the sky. “This is not fair”

Justin halted next to him on his way to collect the wickets. His hair was plastered to his head and water ran down his face in rivulets as the rain strengthened. Nick touched his lips to the side of Justin’s neck and sucked at the water.

“We’re gonna catch pneumonia” Justin said but when Nick looked at him he was smiling.

Nick kissed him then, dropping the Bat and bringing his hands up. Justin wrapped an arm around him and deepened the kiss. Thunder rolled above making Justin pull back with a laugh and look up.

“What are the chances?”

“We are the tallest things on this ground” Nick replied thoughtfully.

Justin grinned at him, caught his wrist and ran to the house.

-

Justin lay still and watched Nick sleep. The late morning sun was streaming in to the room and everything glowed white. Justin watched mesmerised Nick’s golden hair spread over the pillow. He was so beautiful. Justin leaned forward and gently touched his lips to the corner of Nick’s mouth. When he leaned back, Nick’s eyes were open, blue vivid against the glowing white of the room. When Nick smiled Justin felt his breath catch. He tightened his arms around Nick when he burrowed closer. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Last Autumn

“You’ve tested positive for several recreational drugs” Ross told him, face serious.

Nick laughed mirthlessly. “Recreational?”

Ross frowned. “Nick do you understand the repercussions of this result? You are the captain of this club”

Nick straightened. “I’m a good captain”

“Are you? You were. But in the past month you’ve missed training, leadership group meetings and your on field performance has been below par”

Nick shifted in his chair, not meeting his coach’s eyes.

“I’ve been trying to deal with some personal stuff”

Ross sighed.

“Nick, you know whatever you’re going through help is always available. All you have to do is ask. Turning to drugs for reprieve can have very serious consequences and not only for your career”

“I know. I’m sorry Ross”

Last Winter

Nick folded his arms and looked away.

“What do you want Justin?”

“What’s going on with you Nick?”

“What’s going on with me?” Nick threw back. “Are you seriously asking me that?”

“You’ve lost the captaincy Nick! I know how much you love this game, don’t throw it away”

Nick looked at him, eyes narrowing.

“You would know all about that wouldn’t you?”

Justin flinched.

“I’m trying to help you” he finally said quietly.

“Why?”

“Because you’re important to me”

“Important to you” Nick repeated. “Could have fooled me!”

“Give up the drugs, Nick and the drinking. Please”

Nick moved closer until he was standing right in front of him.

“The way I see it” Nick poked him in the chest with a finger “You really have no right to tell me what to do. You can’t have it both ways, Justin”

Justin gripped Nick’s hand. “You absolute idiot” and kissed him.

“I love you. Whatever happens to me in this life I will always love you. And it’s killing me Nick” he breathed against Nick’s lips “It’s killing me to see you like this” he tugged at Nick’s hair once and stepped back.

Nick’s eyes were shining.

“I wish you’d just” he touched his lips like he’d forgotten they were there “leave me alone”

Winter 2005

Nick pressed closer against Justin as they kissed. Anyone couldn’t have walked in any moment. But right now he didn’t care. He could feel Justin’s heart beat against his and fell Justin’s fingers tugging at his hair as they strove to get closer. The urge to breathe finally ended the kiss and Nick licked the corner of Justin’s lips as they both caught up on their oxygen. The sound of voices coming towards them brought them back down to earth and he kissed Justin lightly before running to the showers.

“I’ll see you tonight”

He turned his face in to the water as he heard Justin greet whoever had come in to the lockers. He couldn’t help the smile that lit up his face. Even with the constant threat of being discovered, he was happy. More than he’d ever been. He was happy.

Last Spring

“Nick, are you sure?” Dal asked uncertainly, looking up at his friend.

Nick was pale, thin with the weight he’d lost in the past few months. He nodded.

“I am”

-

Dal knocked on the door and BJ opened it almost immediately.

“Hey, Nick”

“Can I…?” Nick asked. BJ exchanged a glance with Dal before opening the door wider.

“Yeah, come in”

-

Justin was in front of the mirror when he came in, trying to fix his tie without much success. His eyes widened as he glimpsed Nick through the mirror. Justin whipped around.

“Nick…?” he asked as if unsure who stood before him.

Nick felt his breath catch. It being off season, he hadn’t seen Justin for weeks. To see him like this, so handsome before his eyes brought everything back. All the memories and feelings he’d been trying to forget. He’d thought this was a good idea at the time but he wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Fuck” he swore. They were alone in the room, Dal had shepherded everyone out.

Justin took a step forward.

“Nick” It wasn’t a question this time.

Nick turned away. He’d missed that voice, like he’d missed everything else about Justin. He shouldn’t have come.

“I shouldn’t have come” he turned for the door.

“NO” Justin cried, moving forward to clasp his arm. Nick tugged, trying to free his hand.

“No” Justin whispered softly, breath warm against his ear and Nick fought the urge to shiver.

“Please, Nick”

He wanted to stay, whatever it took just to be near Justin. He was like a drug. Nick had tried so hard to give up but he kept on calling him back. He kept on coming back for something that wasn’t his’ anymore and he didn’t know how long he could take this. How long before the thread snapped and he fell?

Justin had wrapped his free arm around Nick and he felt him tremble.

“Don’t leave. Not yet, please” Justin whispered. Nick turned in the circle of Justin’s arms. Justin’s eyes were closed and Nick instinctively brought his hand up, only stopping himself an inch away from Justin’s face. Justin opened his eyes then, took in the hand hovering in front of him and butted his head against it with a sigh.

“I’ve missed you”

“You can’t…”

Justin straightened and Nick’s hand slipped down to his neck.

“-say that to you anymore?”

Nick turned his face away, flinching when Justin reached up to take off his sunglasses.

“No”

“Nick” Justin was frowning.

“No, Justin”

“I want to see you” Justin pleaded and Nick relented. He’d never hidden anything from Justin.

Justin gently lifted off the sunglasses. He knew what Justin would see. The dark circles under his eyes. At least his eyes weren’t red today. He wasn’t ready for the horror and the guilt or the tears that shimmered in the clear brown eyes. He hadn’t come here for this. He hadn’t come to make Justin feel guilty.

“I’m okay” he straightened Justin’s tie “Justin, you-“

There was a knock on the door and they pulled apart. The door opened a moment later to reveal Dal standing at the threshold.

“Sorry guys” he said apologetically “but it’s time”

-

Nick sat at the back of the church.

Justin stood at the altar, waiting.

Justin waiting for him outside the lockers, smiling when he finally emerged, like always.

Justin repeated after the priest “Till death do us part”

Waking up in the morning, Justin watching him, eyes serious. “I love you”. I love you.

Justin kissed his bride.

Justins’ lips mapping out his body. This was his’ and his’ alone.

“Nick?” Dal touched his arm and he realised he was shaking.

“I can’t…” The thread was cut and he was falling.

Summer

He was about to have dinner when he got the call. He knew. From the way Dal said his name.

“Justin...” an uncertain whisper. He knew.

“Get to the hospital”

Last Winter

"Where is he?"

"Justin..I don't think you-"

"Tell me where he is, Lenny"

Lenny's eyes glance sideways at the bedroom door and Justin is there in a moment.

He opens the door and the room is a mess. In his mind he can see this room as it had been the last time he'd seen it and it's a painful contrast to how it looks now. The floor scattered with clothes and glass. And the photo that had stood on the dresser, of the two of them at the holiday house, shattered on the floor.

Dal turns from where he'd been sitting on the bed and stands up when he sees him. Justin can see Nick's golden head asleep on the bed, body covered in layers of blankets. His favourite blue ones that he'd bought because they matched Nick's eyes. And he can't take his eyes away and wishes it felt less like home to be here. But it is. It is home not because he knows every hidden corner of this place but because of Nick. Because Nick is his home and has always been and now that he has given that up, seeing Nick like this hurts.

"He's a sleep" Dal whispers.

Justin draws closer because he can't help it. And he can see the outline of Nick's face.

"How...how bad was it?"

"Not too bad. Just a small cut. He...he smashed the kitchen window"

"Dal..."He stops because he can't trust his voice and he can feel the tears threatening and he clenches his fists, biting his lip until he can talk again.

"What can I do Dal? I don't know how to make this better...i don't…"

"I'm sorry Justin"

"I'm glad you're here. You and Lenny. Look after him for me. I...can't anymore. "

He laughs then, low and despairing.

"I love him more than anything in this world. I will always. I hope somewhere in his mind he'll know that. "

"You were it, you know." Dal starts, looking back at Nick sleeping.

"He told me. Before all of this, long time ago. He said that whatever happened in his life, he'd be happy as long as he had you and he'd always have you so he'd always be happy"

Justin doesn't realise his heart could break any more and even if he knows that, he has known that always because it is true for him too, hearing Dal speak the words destroys what control he had and he flees the room.

Lenny stands up in surprise when he rushes in to the room and Justin can't face anyone because this is his fault. All of this pain is his doing.

He collapses at the stairs and curls in to the wall trying to breathe, trying not to cry.

He feels someone sits down next to him and he knows it's Dal. He doesn't want to melt in to him when Dal wraps his arms around him but it's Dal and Justin knows whoever he might lose he'd always have Dal so he lets himself bury his face in Dal's shoulder and let go. And Dal holds him and rubs his back and whispers "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" as Justin falls apart in his arms.

Summer

Dal met him at the front of the hospital. He looked stunned, like he’d lost the ability to feel.

A car accident. Nick had been driving. He’d been drinking.

“He was asking for you”

Justin was trying so hard not to think. Trying to ignore the finality in Dal’s voice. The hopelessness in the doctor’s explanations.

“There’s nothing we can do”

They let him in because Nick had been asking for him.

There were so many machines in the room. All attached to Nick. All trying desperately to keep him alive.

Nick looked like he was sleeping. ‘Massive internal trauma’ could have been something from another world if Justin hadn’t known that the machines were the only things keeping Nick’s heart beating.

He touched Nick’s hand. It was warm. He gripped it tight, breath hitching in his chest.

“Nick?” his words came as a sob and then he was crying. He couldn’t stop and he didn’t care who could see him. Nothing else mattered but Nick. And Nick couldn’t die. Couldn’t leave him.

“Please…Nick?”

He looked up when the heart monitor pattern changed. Nick’s eyes were open in slits.

“Nick?”

Nick tightened his fingers in Justins’.

“I love you. Nick, I’m so sorry for everything. You’re everything I love Nick, please, please don’t leave me”

Nick smiled, small and fragile and utterly lovely.

“J…”

Nick’s grip relaxed in his’ and the heart rate monitor beeped.

-

Dal felt his world coming to a halt as Justin screamed. So much pain, like his soul was being ripped away.

His friend was dead.

Autumn

The weeds had grown tall and his fingers trailed through them as he walked. The house looked even more run down than before. He really should have looked after it better. He remembered Nick here, golden and laughing. Nick. Beautiful, enchanting and alive. He opened the door and went inside. This was the last place they’d been happy together. The last place he’d seen Nick smile without restraint. Every room, every single space had a memory. Memories of Nick etched on to the house. He entered the bedroom. Sunlight was pouring in through the window. Nick had stood there all those months ago, wrapped in a quilt, so beautiful and stealing his breath away. He lied down on the bed and closed his eyes. In his mind he imagined himself opening his eyes to find blue eyes looking in to his own. Imagined Nick smiling and burrowing closer and the feel of his soft hair on his skin. Imagined a life when he’d gone down a different path, made a different choice and hadn’t lost everything that made life worth living.

-

Nick was stirring something on the stove. Justin watched him at this unbelievably domestic chore with a sense of wonder. He reached out, he had to make sure that this was real. Then Nick turned and grimaced at him.

“The onions are not gonna cut themselves you know”

Justin smiled.

“Suppose not” he said turning to the onions.

He felt Nick brush past him and turned.

“Nick?”

Nick turned back from rummaging in the cupboards. “yeah?”

Justin took him in. the messy blond hair, the tilted head and the faint dimples. Everything he knew, right here in front of him.

“Nothing” he said, shaking his head “Just thinking”

Nick frowned and moved towards him. He kissed him then and he knew this. These soft, warm lips. He knew this. The exact tilt of Nick’s head, every sound he made, the feel of Nick in his arms. This was where he started and where he ended. This was his story. They were bound. Inseparable. He was the paper and Nick was the ink. This was their story and the one he’d write every single time.

The End.