The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
The Australian Kangaroos. A rugby superpower. The best of the best. A place where dreams are made. Ruled over by Ricky Stuart, it is where every little boy with a passion for rugby hopes to be. The most talented and skilled on display for the world. And the best of all these is the man I love.
Johnathan Dean Thurston.
The national halfback, best in the world, who loves his country and the league.
The man I love.
I first got the call up to the Kangaroos in 2008. I'd finally made it through some tough seasons and finally all my hard work had paid off. I'd been dreaming of the moment for so long and I still couldn't believe standing there at lobby of the hotel that I'd made it.
It was the 2008 Rugby world cup.
***
"A toast!" came the call. Cameron was drunk, Billy could tell. He was nursing his second beer and was so completely sober. Still riding high on being selected for the world cup, he didn’t want to make a fool of himself. Greg and Israel, sitting to one side of him laughed and lifted their glasses, so did most of the boys who were within earshot and sober enough to understand the language.
"A toast," Cameron repeated, earning a patient smile from Darren sitting beside him.
"A toast to this fucking fantastic team," he paused as the boys cheered. "And to our coach," the boys cheered again and Billy wondered if Ricky knew what his team was up to.
"And the world cup, cos' we're gonna take this baby home!!!" he ended with a yell, downing his shot in one go as Darren gently pulled him back down to the couch.
"We are home!" Karmichael Hunt yelled back, laughing with Johnathan Thurston by his side.
Billy swallowed and took a long pull of his beer as Cameron answered with a "Then we'll keep it here!" .
He was almost at the end of his third bottle of beer when the lights darkened and music became louder. Israel dragged a protesting Greg to the dance floor while most of the other boys also got up to dance. He saw Cameron trying to convince Darren to dance while the national captain tried to calm his vice captain without having to dance.
"Want to dance?" The beer had gotten to him and he hadn't realised someone had come over to him. He looked up to find a halo of dark hair and an outstretched hand. Billy gulped, heart racing.
"I…"
Johnathan grinned and pulled him on to his feet. The skin on his hand where Johnathan was gripping it was burning .
"You'll dance with me, yeah?" he asked and without waiting for an answer drew Billy towards the throng of dancers.
Billy had time to wonder about the strange French song everyone was dancing to before Johnathan's hands were on his waist and Billy lost focus on the rest of the world. Johnathan was a beautiful dancer. He danced like he played rugby, with passion and grace and Billy couldn't believe he was here, dancing with Johnathan Thurston.
"I wanted to ask you before but…" Johnathan said, slowing his dancing.
"I wasn't drunk enough" he finished with a shy grin.
"Oh...you...I didn't think you'd want to" Billy said, wishing his heart would slow down before it burst.
Johnathan stopped dancing completely. Billy held still as he leaned closer.
"I've wanted…" Johnathan closed the rest of the distance between them and kissed him.
My gift is my song
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song
It may be quite simple, but
Now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
Now you're in the world
---
"Hey, JT" Karmichael called.
Johnathan looked up from where he'd been doing his warmups with Billy.
"Coach is looking for you"
"Be right there"
"Ooh, JT's in trouble" David Williams sang out.
Billy whacked him on the head as Johnathan made his way to the coach.
"Who's that talking to Ricky?" Greg asked as Billy watched Johnathan shaking hands with the stranger.
"Some big shot from the NRL" Cameron piqued up. Billy wrenched his eyes away from Johnathan for a moment.
"What does he want with Jay?"
Cameron shrugged.
"Dunno man"
Billy turned back to see the stranger talking animatedly with Johnathan and wondered at the sense of unease he felt.
---
They were having a team bonding session, which basically meant they went to the movies as a whole group. Johnathan dragged Billy to the back as soon an they got there and defied anyone else to join them, which was actually neglecting the whole team bonding concept but Billy didn't mind. They ignored the film, which was something about a penniless sitar player and his undying love for a courtesan, and put the darkness and the relative privacy to good use.
"What did he want?" Billy asked, running his fingers over Johnathan's skin under his shirt.
Johnathan's breath hitched and he leaned in to kiss Billy again.
"Who?"
Billy strove to get closer until he was practically sitting in Johnathan's lap.
"'The big shot from the NRL'" Billy quoted Cameron.
Johnathan pulled back a little to look at Billy. Billy held the searching green eyes until Johnathan smiled after a moment.
"He's just some guy from the NRL. Apparently he's a big fan of mine and just wanted to meet me. Billy," Johnathan held Billy's face in both his hands and kissed him softly.
"I choose you" he kissed him again.
"There can be no one else"
---
"He can make life very difficult for us, Johnathan" Ricky said gently.
Johnathan looked away.
"I don't want…"
"I know. But this is the world cup, we all have to make sacrifices " Ricky walked up behind him and Johnathan turned to look at him, eyes shining and Ricky felt his resolve almost crumble.
"He's expecting you for dinner tonight" he clapped Johnathan on the shoulder and started to walk away when Johnathan spoke.
"Is this what it takes?"
Ricky looked back at him but Johnathan's gaze was fixed on the boys training outside.
"I'm sorry, Johnathan"
If I should die
This very moment
I wouldn 't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
---
"So he just expects you to - what? Whore yourself out to some official?" Billy yelled not caring who might be listening.
Johnathan flinched.
"This is what it takes, Billy. I have to do this. For everyone" he said quietly.
"No, Jay, you don't" Billy gripped Johnathan's hands in his and held tight when he tried to pull away.
"I love you. More than anything in my whole life and you are worth everything" Johnathan's eyes were filled with tears and Billy kissed him.
"You are worth everything and I don't want you to do this, it's not worth it" Billy pulled Johnathan closer and he was shaking in Billy's arms and Billy wanted to kill something.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can't fight
You're free to leave me
But just don’t deceive me
And please believe me
When I say
I love you
---
The room was too warm and Carrow was too close and he didn't want this.
"You want this team to do well don't you? You don't want anything to jeopardise your teammates efforts win the world cup now do you?" Carrow's hand was on his thigh and he couldn't breathe.
"I…"
The hand moved higher and Johnathan closed his eyes. All he could see was Billy.
Come what may…
---
"I couldn't do it, Billy. I couldn't. Oh god!" Johnathan flew in to Billy's arms and Billy wrapped his arms around him and kissed his hair.
"It's okay, Jay. It's okay" Billy breathed Johnathan in as his heart began mending piece by piece.
"What are we gonna do?" Johnathan whispered against Billy's skin.
Billy pulled back just a little to look at Johnathan.
"Let's leave"
Johnathan looked at him with wide eyes.
"But what about the team? The world cup?"
"I don't care, Jay. I don't care about any of it"
Billy kissed Johnathan with all the desperation he felt.
"Come away with me"
Never knew I could fell like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Seasons may change
Winter to spring
But I'll love you
Until the end of time
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day
---
Johnathan had almost finished packing when Ricky came in. Johnathan glanced at him and resumed shoving his clothes in to the bag.
"We're leaving, Ricky. We're getting away from all of this"
"Johnathan, he'll ruin the team"
Johnathan paused, hands clenching in the shirt he held in his hands.
"I don't care. He has no right to do this to me, no fucking right and I can't...I won't betray Billy"
"Not even to save his career?"
Johnathan froze and turned to face his coach.
"What?"
"He'll destroy Billy. He knows what Billy means to you and if you leave he'll take revenge on him"
"No…" Johnathan whispered even as the words registered as truth in his mind.
"He has links to News Limited and who do you think owns the Storm. Johnathan, think! Do you want to cost Billy everything he's worked so hard for all his life?"
Johnathan collapsed on to his bed.
"Oh God!"
Ricky sat down beside him and his voice was gentle when he crushed Johnathan's dreams with soft words.
"Stay and do this. Just keep him happy until the end of the world cup. End this thing with Billy to spare him. Do this for the team, JT"
---
"Hey, Jay. Greg's booked us a flight. He said….where's your stuff? What's going on?"
"I'm not leaving, Billy"
"What?"
"I realised something . This world cup, this is what I've been working for all my life, so why am I trying to leave? Its so dumb"
"Johnathan what...why are you saying this?"
"I'm sorry, Billy but we've got to stop this. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to win"
"Jay please. I know you don't mean this. Please...come with me"
"This is more important than anything or anyone. I'm sorry you can't see that. Goodbye, Billy"
---
Cooper Cronk was glaring at him. Johnathan didn't know why he was even here.
"I told him you were no good for him. I fucking told him. But no! He was in love. He thought you were everything he'd ever need and I thought maybe, just maybe you wouldn't turn out to be the absolute bastard I knew you'd be. I've never been so dissapointed to be in the right"
"Is he…?"
"You have no right. No fucking right anymore, Thurston. After tomorrow I'm taking him away from all of this and maybe he can learn to smile again. Thank you for curing him of his ridiculous obsession with love"
---
They'd lost the world cup. He knew he was responsible for it. It was his fault. He'd been to messed up over Johnathan and hadn't been able to focus. He didn't think it'd be like this. This bitter disappointment. He'd lost games before. But this. This loss, this whole series had shattered his belief in the game. He felt betrayed and lost and he wished he'd never been chosen for this, never met Johnathan, never had his heart stolen and broken. Cooper had promised to take him home. He didn't think it'd help but he'd go along with it for Cooper's sake. He set his packed bags on the floor and looked around the room. So many memories. Johnathan on his bed, naked and beautiful and stealing his breath away. Johnathan, sitting cross-legged on the floor and looking up at him through dark lashes and promising him that he'd stay. They'd stay together always. Nothing could break them because they were forever. But they'd been just words. Sweet words that made it even harder to let go because he'd believed them.
He startled at the knock on his door and was surprised to see Ricky enter.
"Billy"
Billy had never seen Ricky Stuart nervous but he thought maybe this came close.
"Ricky"
There was silence. Billy didn't know what Ricky wanted, didn't know how much he wanted to talk. He couldn't trust his coach anymore. He should have protected them. He shouldn't have used Johnathan like that, whatever the cost.
"He didn't sleep with him" Ricky said almost abruptly.
Billy looked at him in surprise.
"What?"
"Johnathan didn't-"
"I don't care" He didn't.
Ricky looked at him then, long and searchingly. Billy tried not to shuffle.
"You can't lie to me, William"
He couldn't afford to believe him. He'd been burnt once.
"I shouldn't tell you this but I know if I didn't I'd be responsible for destroying something that's worth fighting for"
"I offered him everything and he threw it all back in my face, Ricky" Billy ran a hand through his hair. He didn't want to think about this. Didn't want to remember.
"He did it for you"
"What?"
"Carrow threatened you, that day the both of you were going to leave. That's why Johnathan decided to stay. For you"
He could see it in his mind. The utter devastation on Johnathan's face when he'd told him he wasn't leaving, that he'd chosen to stay. He'd seen it but hadn't paid attention, too rapt up in the words, he hadn't seen.
"Why didn't he…? He didn't he tell me. Why didn't he tell me? We could have worked something out, we could have…" Billy knew he was crying. He didn't care. Johnathan had been protecting him.
"He loves you Billy"
"I know" Oh God! He knew.
"Did he go back home?" He'd been a fool. He should have known.
"Yes" Billy picked up his bags, a plan forming in his mind. He had to try.
"Thank you, Ricky" Ricky shook his head sadly.
"I don't deserve your thanks. Just go get him, kiddo"
***
So that's why I'm currently standing on the front porch of johnathan's house, working up my courage to knock on the door. I wish we could have had a simpler story, a boy meets boy, falls in love and lives happily ever after story. I could have done without the pain and the betrayal. But it's our story. And I'm hoping maybe we could have that happily ever after ending anyway. If Johnathan isn't so angry and doesn't hate me. So here goes. Wish me luck.
Listen to my heart
Can you hear it sing?
Come back to me
And forgive...
...everything
Seasons may change
Winter to spring
I love you.
Till the end...
...of...
...time
Come what may
The End.
That was brilliant.
ReplyDeleteLOVELY...
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