My Own Two Hands IV

Remember when it rained

I felt the ground and look up high

And called your name

Remember when it rained

In the darkness I remain

---

It was raining that day. Like only it can in Brisbane. Sheens called a premature halt to training and the boys had trudged off to the lockers, wet and muddy already. Billy was lagging behind all the boys and just before he entered the tunnel leading to the rooms he turned around. And there he was. Standing in the pouring rain in the middle of the ground. Looking up at the goals. Ready to kick for goal.

Johnathan.

Billy watched him as Johnathan took his customary four steps back. Lightning flashed across the sky, almost immediately followed by thunder and Billy took an involuntary step forward, out of the safety of the tunnel and in to the rain. Johnathan took aim and kicked. Billy smiled as the ball sailed through the goals, splitting the middle. Johnathan laughed, jumping in the air, elated. Billy took another step forward and Johnathan turned and saw him watching. Billy held still as Johnathan walked towards him. When he stopped in front of him, Billy could see the water running down Johnathan's body, his face, eye lashes dripping wet. Lightning flashed again. Johnathan reached up to cup the side of his face with one hand. Billy held the brown eyes and felt Johnathan's hand shake.

"Brave the storm?" Johnathan said.

Billy smiled and drew closer.

"Always."

---

He can't forget.

He thought it would get easier with time. It doesn't. Not when he sees Johnathan everywhere, in every black line of ink on skin, in the sound of laughter and bright eyes. In every crowd, around every corner and it kills him because he's disappointed every time. Rational has nothing to do with it because he knows rationally he's better off now away from the person who broke his heart. But he's beginning to realise what he needs now for his heart to heal is the one person who broke it in the first place. That doesn't make any sense at all but when he asks Cam about his end of year trip to London, he knows without a doubt it's the right thing to do.

---

Wash away the thoughts inside

That keep my mind away from you

No more love and no more pride

And thoughts are all I have to do

He hates it all at the start. Hates the city. The people with their ridiculous accent. Hates the cold and the rain. The city is covered in a layer of snow when he first gets to Leeds in January. He nearly freezes to death waiting for a taxi outside the airport.

The Super league season has already started and he gets put to work immediately. Not that he minds. It helps him take his mind off things. So he throws himself in to training and gives himself no time to think.

He likes the team. They're a well glued bunch with Sinfield as captain. But he keeps to himself most of the time. Can't throw off the shackles of his previous life. Not yet. He doesn't want to either. He’s never known himself to be so masochistic before.

He's staying with a team mate until he gets used to things. Zak Hardaker. The kid is probably ten years younger than him, gifted but a non-stop talking machine. He doesn't mind. Means he doesn't have to say much. Just listen to Zak go on about anything and everything. Sometimes he reminds him of someone but he squashes those thoughts as soon as they come.

He thinks he's doing alright. The media hype that rose up when he first got to the club dies down soon after as he keeps his head down and the club wins all of its matches that he plays in.

Cam calls him every month. Tells him the news. Asks him if he's alright. He misses Cam. But he hangs up every time Cam mentions Billy. He can't bear it. Not yet. Time heals all wounds. And he knows given enough time he'll come to forget he had any other life than this.

---

"I thought you came here to get away from it all. To leave it behind you."

"I did."

"Then what?"

"I'm not very good with...relationships."

"I'm not asking you to marry me. Jesus! Was that why you...is all of this because of some girl?"

"No."

"Some guy?"

"Listen, Zak, just...stay away from me if you know what's good for you."

"Don't be so fucking dramatic! And don't treat me like some delicate flower! This is your chance to move on. I don't care about whatever happened before. I don't care that you think you're no good for anyone. I've told you what I want. Make up your mind about what you want. I'm not going anywhere."

---

Zak knows Johnathan is damaged. He'd looked him up when he found out they'd be house mates. He'd seen all those photos of a man with a smile Zak knew could light up a room. But every smile he'd seen on Johnathan's face so far has never reached his eyes. Never that beautiful bright smile he wants to see. So he'd set himself a mission. To get that smile back. To help him move on. To maybe find happiness himself. His mom would laugh and call him obsessed. Maybe he is. But maybe he doesn't care.

---

In the end it's so easy. To fall in to step with Zak. The first time they kiss, he feels as though he's betraying Billy all over again. Except he's not. He knows he's not. And Zak runs his hands through his hair and whispers "Let go" and he does. Longing for the past won't make it come back. He needs to move on.

---

Zak takes him to the Leeds festival in August. The season's not finished yet but lucky for them they're playing at home for two weeks in a row. It's a three day festival but Zak takes pity on him and only drags him out two of those days. It's nice actually. Beautiful sunny autumn weather and he loves the colours and the dancing and the freedom of the whole thing. They buy ice cream and watch the parade pass by on the street. He watches Zak, all bright blue eyes and smiling mouth and joy. He is beautiful. And for the first time in a long time he thinks maybe he can be happy here. Maybe life wouldn't be as miserable as he might have once thought. Zak catches him watching and kisses him. Johnathan tenses for a moment before realising that today of all days, no one cares. And he lets Zak wrap his arms around his neck and draw him closer.

There is live music in the evening and they find a spot on the grass and sit. Zak lies down on the grass with his head in Johnathan's lap, occasionally reaching a hand up to steal some candy floss from the massive stick Johnathan has in his hand. He cards through Zak's short hair with his free hand and smiles as Zak closes his eyes with a contented sigh. He remembers once when Billy had fallen asleep on his shoulder on the team bus during one Origin series. His arm had lost all feeling by the end of the ride but he hadn't moved an inch. He pushes the memory away. It's in the past now. He takes a deep breath, leans down and kisses Zak on his forehead.

Zak opens his eyes.

"Alright?" he murmurs.

Johnathan smiles and kisses him on the lips.

"Yeah. Alright."

Zak grins and reaches up a hand to touch his face.

"Good."

We seem to going in unexpected directions! Shall be continued in chapter V. The lyrics are from Remember when it rained, by Josh Groban.