My Own Two Hands III

Maybe God can be on both sides of the gun

Never understood why some of us never get it so good,

Some of this was here before us

All of this will go after us

It never stops until we give in.

---

"Remember when I got in to trouble for that drunk and disorderly charge after my ankle was shot. Well...it was a bit more serious than that. I...punched a police officer in the face."

"You what?"

"Yeah. I would have gone to jail for that. Would have ruined everything. The league was going to kick me out of the Roos. I would have lost the captaincy of the Cowboys, if they didn't sack me first. Rugby was all I had and I couldn't lose it. And then he came. Promised me he'd take care of everything and all he wanted in return was…"

"You."

"It was just sex. And I didn't care. I could give that if it meant I didn't lose everything. But then I found Billy. And I thought I could have this one thing for myself, this one thing that wasn't touched by all the shit in my life. I should have known it couldn't work like that. I should have told him and I've never been more sorry for anything."

---

Cam handed the disc to Johnathan, who took it wordlessly. Cam put a hand on Johnathan's shoulder.

"End this, JT."

---

Cam had known because Cam had been there at the start. He had never approved the deal that Johnathan had made but he had understood why. And when Johnathan had fallen for Billy, Cam had warned him he was playing a dangerous game but Johnathan had been too much in love and had thought he could have it all. Johnathan loved Cam for not saying I told you so when everything fell apart and for being there for him now that he was lost.

---

"Listen, Billy…" Cam starts, scrubbing a hand over his face, "He'd kill me if he knew I told you this but he's going to mess everything up."

Billy eyes Cam warily. He knew Cam had been in contact with Johnathan. And Billy wasn't sure how much he wanted to hear what Cam had to say.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know this press conference he's called? Well...he's going to tell everyone the truth."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Are you insane? There are things he's done that'll definitely get him kicked out of the league. He'll lose everything even if he thinks he's got nothing to lose."

"Why is he...why is he doing this?"

"He doesn't want Anderson to have anything to hold against him anymore."

Cam holds Billy's eyes and when Billy flinches at his words and looks away, Cam catches his hands and holds them between his own.

"Billy, he's stopped caring about anything. At this rate he won't stop until he's ruined his life completely,"

"Cam." Billy tries to pull his hand back but Cam holds on, aware of the scars on Billy's wrists and what they mean.

"If he does this, he'll never play in this country again."

Billy's eyes dart away from Cam's.

"Maybe that'll be better for him. For everyone."

"Do you really think that?" Cam asks.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Cam leans back a little.

"Talk to him. You're the only one that can stop him."

"Cam…"

"Please. He won't listen to me and I don't know if," Cam lets go of Billy's hands,"I don't know if he wants to make it out of this,"

"What?"

"You're the only one he'll listen to,"

"You want me to save him."

"Please."

Billy stands up and Cam watches him head for the door.

"What makes you think I want to?"

---

Cam doesn't talk to him for a month. Cooper takes his side but gives him concerned glances when he thinks Billy can’t see. Johnathan leaves for Europe a week after the conference. Turns out there were more things in Johnathan’s past that should have stayed hidden. Billy watches the dominos fall after that press conference with a sort of detached horror. The Cowboys strike first. And then the ARL. Cam had been right. Johnathan would never play in Australia again.

---

"I know my actions have hurt people. One more than any other. And I know that this doesn't make it right. But-"Johnathan looked straight at the camera and Billy watched, transfixed by the man who had just thrown himself off a cliff, "I need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I know you'll never forgive me," There were tears in Johnathan's eyes, "I love you."

Billy wiped at the tears on his face as Johnathan stood up and walked away from the world alone. Cam looked at Billy once and left, slamming the door on his way out and Cooper held his hand even tighter.

---

He did try. He called Johnathan before the conference. No matter how he felt he didn't want Johnathan ruining his life forever. But when he had heard Johnathan's voice on the other side, he had frozen. The last words he'd heard in that voice had been a promise.

I love you more than anyone.

And it hurt. He couldn't speak. He didn't say anything. But Johnathan had known.

"I'm sorry" he had said and they'd stayed like that, silent, listening to each other breathe.

But then it was time for the conference and Johnathan had to go.

"Goodbye, Billy."

And that had been it. The last time he talked to Johnathan.

---

"This is not what I meant when I said to end it," Cam said, looking at Johnathan.

"I'm sorry, Cam"

"You idiot!" Cam surges forward and wraps his arms around Johnathan. He pressed his lips in to the dark hair and Johnathan hangs on, shaking in his arms.

"I'm sorry." Johnathan whispers again and Cam can barely hear him.

"What am I going to do without you, eh?" Cam closes his eyes and wills himself not to cry. They can't both fall apart. He has known Johnathan for most of their lives. They've gone through a lot together. And even if Johnathan has made some bad decisions, Cam never held it against him.

The announcement for the flight to London comes over the PA.

"Cam…"

Cam pulls back a little so he can see Johnathan’s face.

"Thank you. For everything." JT says and Cam shakes his head, pressing his lips to Johnathan’s forehead.

"I love you, you know that right?"

Johnathan smiles a little and Cam pushes some stray strands of hair out of his face.

“I'll come and visit in Christmas."

Johnathan nods and bends down to pick up his bag. People are queued up at the gate already.

"Billy…"Johnathan swallows, "Cam...could you…" he doesn’t finish. Cam smiles and steps back, letting him go.

"I will. You know I will. Look after yourself too, alright?"

Johnathan walks away and Cam watches him disappear in to the gate and wishes his friend all the joy in the world.

Is it the end? Maybe. Maybe not. Keep watching this space.

The song is 'Say When' by The Fray.